I went to a party, Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink,
Mom, so I drank soda instead
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing,
Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending
Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
but as I pulled out into the road,
the other car didn't see me,
Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement,
Mom, I hear the policeman say,
the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom..
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me,
Mom? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me,
Mom, and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say,
Mom, I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you,
Mom, I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is,
he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking,
Mom, and I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have told him,
Mom, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom. I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I've already mentioned this as plagiarism, It's just taking a while for the people above to take care of it ><
In the mean time, I'll lock this thread.
*Sighs.*
We don't approve of plagiarism here, Bambie. I've gotten chain emails with this exact poem in it--I'd have it to prove, if I hadn't deleted it since it was such awful poetry.
Keep in mind that moderators are keeping an eye on what goes on in these forums.
This one is much better than the other two you've written but you repeat 'Mom' a little too often and this could be edited to create a shorter poem with a larger impact.
First, read through it and remove the lines that aren't needed and add imagery and such to those that are plain. Show us the persona's anger, fear and sorrow at what has happened. Don't just tell us that she's 'becoming very scared.'
Then, try to make your structure more regular. Stick to a rhyming scheme throughout the poem and check your flow. It's a little out of place in some lines.
In general, I liked the idea behind this piece and the rhyme was good so neaten it up and I think you could have a really nice poem. The rhetorical question at the end is nice but try to lead into it better. Well hope some of this helped,
Heather xx